Episode 30...Why Am I Here and Other Simple Dimple Questions

Jonathan gets earthy discussing the Earth and how it’s not really that bad to be Earth-bound.

TRANSCRIPT

Why Am I Here and Other Simple Dimple Questions

“Why am I here?” he asked quietly in a room full of expectant souls, who anticipated coming together to discover deep, hidden meaning in their lives.

Sensations of destiny. The rush of joy over knowing that “God had a wonderful plan for their lives” or perhaps that the stars were involved.

Yes. You remember:

(Singing)

On the day that you were born

The angels got together

And decided to create a dream come true

So they sprinkled moondust in your hair

And starlight in your eyes of blue…

Da-le-la-dum

Why am I here? People wrestle with it, coming up with dreamy answers—for after all, each one of us is supposed to follow our dream, but if everybody’s dream came true the world would probably explode.

So, after my friend came up with his question and all the people offered their ethereal, existential, Biblical, hopeful and notably wishful answers, I said, “You’re here because your mom and dad decided to fuck. Maybe they were a little drunk. Or maybe the event was planned, complete with lit candles and rose petals on the bed. But I guarantee you, the first encounter was brief. And your dad—your biological father—brought his gift quickly. Some might say, prematurely—and sprayed the walls of your mother’s uterus, pulling away and feeling that, like Atlas of old, he had lifted the Earth.

Little did he know how inventive, productive, supernatural and whimsical that uterus can be! Rather than being offended by the splashing, it brought an egg and took the oooh and the goo from you-know-who to make YOU.”

There wasn’t much to talk about. A single fertilized egg by a determined spermatozoa.

But within a couple of weeks, you took your first journey—to attach yourself to the wall of that uterus—it’s rather tricky. Some little tadpoles never make it. That’s what we call an early miscarriage.

Yes, a miscarriage of justice. Or June or Jimbo. Or Jalice.

Then begins a nine-month journey, where—if your mother doesn’t soak herself in alcohol, smoke too many cigarettes (or crack, for that matter) and overeats to such an extent that she is actually able to feed two people, will place you in the position to tumble out of an over-extended vagina into the world, where you are expected to immediately cry your guts out.

And even though your relatives will insist that you are the prettiest, the best, the smartest and the you already have the hands of a classical piano player, you’re actually just a little kibbootz that’s come along to replace a recent kafuddle who sent kaputz.

You’re here to replenish the Earth.

It’s your first job.

As your first job, if you don’t do it well, all the other jobs become meaningless.

The system we have constructed in the United States for taking care of babies and children is completely out of whack.

It is only in the last 150 to 200 years that children were viewed with pride instead of considered a necessary evil which came out of the desire to screw. People used to look at a new child like another farmhand.

For we were an agrarian society, which meant we grew things. So, the kid belonged to Mom until about age 10, and from that point on he belonged to Dad, until he belonged to another person who got together with him or her, to start a family of their own, to repeat the process.

So, from birth to 10, Mother took care of the kids, and from 10 on, Papa was supposed to turn them into hard-working citizens. It was a system that worked pretty well—otherwise we wouldn’t be here.

But somewhere along the line, we got the idea that parenting was really “mothering” with a side of “smothering.”

A phrase came into our language: “They’ll always be your children…”

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. They aren’t born to be your children. They aren’t born to be God’s children.

They are born to be the children of the Earth, and when we don’t teach that and we don’t enforce that and don’t practically apply that, we end up with people in their mid-thirties who are still trying to figure out what their “purpose” is.

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So why are you here? Are you ready?

You’re here to learn the Earth.

It is the place of your birth, and it is where you will prove your worth. (Repeat)

You can always find the devil. The devil is anyone who thinks he or she is wrongfully on Earth when they really belong in heaven.

You do not belong in heaven. There may be some question of whether you would ever belong in heaven. And of course, there is the ongoing inquiry of whether there really IS a heaven. You believing in it is really no different from thinking that angels sprinkle moondust in hair and starlight in eyes of blue.

You are of the Earth.

Even the great Biblical story says you are “made from the dust of the Earth.” Talk about using available supplies!

Your flesh, your blood, your bones—all turn to dust or ashes (depending on which route you decide to go).

So, because you are of the Earth:

Be kind to Earthlings.

Start with your own race—people. And then trickle down your mercy to the other creatures that inhabit this planet, who won’t bite your ass or poison you. That sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? But start with the human race.

When you believe in destiny and you believe that your life is special, it becomes very easy to convince yourself that other human beings may have a plan for their lives, but not nearly as elaborate and wonderful as yours.

Anything that makes you believe that you’re better than anyone else is a dark cloud which will eventually rain evil and terror on the Earth.

Demand that those who study the Earth buck up and get busy.

We’re spending too much time applauding our efforts in science instead of admitting there’s too much cancer, there’s too much disease and there’s too much loss of control in our world.

We should be able to do a little bit more with the weather.

We shouldn’t have to take metal and plastic and put it inside people’s knees, ankles and hips to replace them.

If science could be better funded, and we took the graft and crime out of the research industry, we just might make strides.

Keep in mind that God does not love the world but hate the Earth.

“The Earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof.” Psalm 24.

“Your will be done on Earth as it is in heaven.” The Lord’s Prayer

When you complain to God about the Earth, you’re criticizing one of His favorite sculptures. So shut the hell up. You’ve been given a passage of time—probably less than a hundred years. So make good use of it and stop looking for angels, devils, stars or potions to sprout a special destiny for you. Instead, work with what you’ve got to make it more.

And finally:

Enjoy the Earth.

Rather than looking at it as your home, where you leave dirty dishes in the sink, treat it like your showcase, that you’re preparing to sell and trying to get a great price.

Clean it up. Appreciate it. Adjust to the things you learn about the Earth.

Stop arguing about foolish things like race, religion and sexuality.

Take this opportunity you’ve received because your dad was horny and your mother was willing–or your mom had the hots and your dad had no real reason to say no–and make it seem like it was supernatural by the way you use the Natural Order around you in a super way.

For the good news is, we were all born the same way.

And the better news is, because we were, we have nearly everything in common.

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