People are dying to listen to this new podcast from Cring, as he delivers a comical look at the mysteries of the afterlife and the superstitions that often leave us scratching our heads.
Transcript
I guess we’re all dying to go to heaven.
No one gets past that “dying” thing. I guess it’s the final test. That moment when everybody discovers just how much of a chicken-shit you are. So I guess if it’s fast, and guaranteed to snuff you in a quick moment, you could just hold your breath and go with it.
But some deaths are long, miserable, fussy, painful… Yuk. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Did you start this? Oh, yeah, I remember. Dying to go to heaven. That’s what they make you do.
“Listen, guys… You get to go to heaven. But you have to DIE FIRST.”
People have sought other alternatives. There are always those people who exercise all the time, thinking they’ll live to be a hundred, and then suddenly they drop dead from the pressure. And by the way, what if heaven ended up being JUST LIKE EARTH, except you could eat carbs? That’s pretty damn special. Or if heaven was full of orgasms without the need for foreplay and cuddling?
I’ve got your attention now, don’t I?
What if there are ten billion heavens? I mean, one heaven for every soul who ever lived? A special corner of the universe?
But see, even if I were surrounded by stuff I liked, would I want a heaven with no companionship? And what will the companionship be like, since we’ve been warned it’s probably not sex. God, I hope it’s not book clubs.
I also hope it’s not prayer meetings, “sing-spirations” and Bible studies. I, for one, never want to see another Bible once I die. If the guys up there who said the shit can’t remember it, then let’s just forget it.
The Bible sometimes makes me happy, but equally makes me angry. I especially am angry with people who quote nagging words from the book like flies from the air they put in a jar, to watch them flit around until they finally die.
Heard somebody yesterday say, “There can’t be a heaven if there’s no hell.” I don’t know–I would be willing to have a little bit less of a heaven if we could do away with hell. I’m not really happy about anybody burning forever in a lake of fire. I don’t even have any relatives I would wish that upon, and certainly not enemies either.
Who comes up with this stuff? Sometimes I become more of an atheist when I read the Bible. I have more faith when I think about God than I do when I read about Him. Because the things they tell about Him! Jesus Christ! Yeah, and him, too.
God certainly has gone through some transformations. Or maybe we just don’t know God at all. And the guesses we have made about Him have gradually evolved.
I’d like a heaven where lobster does not have to be taken out of a shell. I don’t get that, do you? Why do I have to work so hard to get my lobster? It’s ridiculous.
We’ve made a watermelon without seeds, so I don’t have to wait until my Aunt Mary turns her head to spit them anymore. She was such a crank–she didn’t like it when I spit my watermelon seeds, but she told me–she told me this when I was five years old–that if I swallowed watermelon seeds, I would grow one in my belly.
That’s cruel shit. When you’re five years old, you believe stuff like that. So I remember swallowing a watermelon seed, and for the next two weeks, every time my stomach quivered, I was convinced a watermelon was growing.
That is not heaven. Matter of fact, I would like to request right now that my section of heaven has no Aunt Mary.
But… You’ve been promised heaven.
By who? Or is it whom? By a myriad of Bedouin peasants who wrote on tablets of stone, sending a message over thousands of years. Yeah, that seems reliable. Something we can really count on. Could we have somebody a little more current? Maybe a scientist? Maybe a really cool Hollywood star could promote heaven? I’m stuck with the Apostle John, who supposedly was in his nineties and might have been tormented by some dementia. And these same folks call it “a guarantee.” Really?
There are times I think I belong in heaven, and there are times that, truthfully, I should be buried out in the back yard next to the dog. Ruff-ruff! But no, streets of gold. Pearly gates. This is one damn high-class neighborhood.
Of course, there’s a ritual involved. You can’t just GO to heaven. No–you’ve gotta get hold of Trip Adviser and book it. Go through some process, which secures that reservation.
But once you’ve completed the form, and get baptized in some acceptable way, then you live under what they call GRACE. Now, you probably like the idea of grace a whole lot. You see, grace gives you the ability to pull up lame and then just dip your head and claim “you’re just human and you rely on the mercy of God to cover a multitude of your mishaps…”
What a good deal! You get to go to heaven whether you screw down or screw up. So what’s the gig? What are we supposed to do HERE? Check this out:
You have no heaven if you don’t respect the Earth.
For the true evidence that you believe in heaven is when you open up a branch office right here on Earth. God, Me and Sons, Inc. “Open daily for bread.”
Now granted, it may not be as fancy as the headquarters, but you still work off the same mission statement.
So the evidence that you believe in heaven is not you walking around, believing in hell and privately wishing you could plan the guest list for both locations.
We’re gonna know you believe in heaven by how you confirm it in your dealings on Earth.
Some people screw God until Sunday morning. Then they confess their sins in a little prayer, nibble a cracker, sip some juice and stumble out the door to begin the charade all over again.
But see–this leads to a life of despair. And your despair advertises God’s ineptness.
Your complaining draws attention to His procrastination. “I asked God to heal my foot…but I guess He’s not going to.” Wow. That sounds great.
Your bigotry proves that He does not love the whole world.
Because if you look at two scriptures: “It’s not His will that any should perish” and “Homosexuality is an abomination to God” … you pause. And you think, which one do I like better? And for some people, heaven sounds sweeter if other folks are gonna eat shit and die.
Here’s the truth: you are making a heaven on Earth whether you realize it or not.
Or else you’re proving there’s a hell. Different types of hell. There’s painful hell. There’s bitchy hell. There’s racist hell. There’s holier-than-thou hell.
And there’s just the hell that comes in our lives when we sprout a frown and give up on the whole idea.
But if you do realize it, if you do realize that you’re making “heaven on Earth,” and you die (hopefully quickly) and there ends up being a heaven of God’s making, you’re going to have your damn mind blown.
And if there is no heaven (“Don’t say that!” Yeah, I’m saying it! Because it does cross our minds.)
If there is no heaven, you will have made the Earth the best place you could possibly imagine.
The good news is that an inordinate number of people believe that we’re all going to die and see a place called heaven.
The better news is, go out and have so much joy, peace, understanding, giddiness and revelry that you won’t care one way or another.